Nargles Notwithstanding
by Maloreiy
Summary: Do new toys make married life more exciting? They do when they come from Luna. A hilarious Dramione conversation. Winner of the Admin Banter Challenge from Dramione Fanfiction Forum. S&R: CONSTRUCTIVE REVIEWS WELCOME


**A/N:** This entry was the winner for the Admin Banter Challenge in the Facebook Group Dramione Fanfiction Forum 18+. The details of the prompt are as following, and are your only content warnings:

 **PROMPTS THAT NEED TO BE INCLUDED**

 **1.** _"I was taking a bath, and in walks Theo!"_

 **2.** _Strap-on_

 **3.** _Draco walks in wearing boxers with a wolf on them. He begins to quote, "I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I take the words, I scatter them in time and space-" "No, Draco, you just look ridiculous in those." (The scenario for this can be altered, but the dialogue must remain the same.)_

 **4.** _Peep Show_

 **5.** _"Damn Nargles."_

* * *

"Okay, Granger, get out here, then."

"I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea."

"You're the one who said we had to have this ridiculous peep show, so I'd better not be the only one in something ridiculous."

"Okay, I'm coming out."

"You're still wearing your robe."

"Well, so are you."

"I rather think mine requires a ritual unveiling to get the full effect."

"Funny, because I think mine requires a sudden springing out type of surprise to get the full effect."

"Should we do it at the same time, then?"

"No, I think I want you to go, first."

"Me? It was your Loony friend who got us the gifts in the first place, you should have to go first."

"Stop calling her Loony! It's beyond rude when you know how often she was teased like that in school."

"Granger, she doesn't even mind. I call her that all the time."

"Malfoy. That's not the point."

"What is the point? I'm pretty sure when you get a look at what I've got on, you'll call her Loony, too."

"I'm sure I won't."

"You haven't seen it, yet."

"No, but I've seen mine, so I'm pretty sure I've got a good idea what level of ridiculous we might be in for."

"Tell me again why she thinks we needed these. I hope it didn't come up in conversation, because I'm pretty sure I don't want to know whatever conversation you and Loony were having that resulted in her going out and purposely choosing what I'm wearing. Which, by the way, fits perfectly. How about yours?"

"Mine is…adjustable."

"Intriguing."

"I'm sure you'll think so once I pop out of this robe."

"Well, do it already, then."

"No, you were supposed to go first!"

"And you were supposed to tell me what happened that we ended up in this predicament in the first place."

"It was when I stayed the night over at Luna and Theo's last weekend, you remember."

"I assumed as much.

"Anyway, so I was taking a bath, and in walks Theo! And he—"

"And what?! I'm going to kill him."

"Malfoy, he didn't know it was me in there. Apparently Luna had forgotten to tell him that I was visiting. And it seems that whenever Luna uses that bath it's some kind of signal or something."

"A signal for what?"

"Don't look so upset. Nothing happened. Other than Theo prancing in wearing a costume that was clearly designed to have a specific effect on Luna, and which, by the way, had no effect on me."

"He was wearing what?! Please tell me it wasn't exactly what I've got on right now. I'm going to be sick."

"Well I don't know what you've got on now, do I?"

"Was there a wolf involved?"

"A what? No. Why in the world would you ask that?"

"Never mind. What happened with Theo? And you better answer good, because I haven't decided yet if I'm going to kill him. Did he see anything?"

"Of course not. You know how I like to pile the bubbles up in my bath. He was far more embarrassed than I was, and I saw far more than he did."

"How much did you see, Granger?!"

"Calm down, Malfoy. Barely anything. Everything was…technically…covered up. Anyway, as soon as he saw I wasn't Luna, he ran right out."

"And Luna decided that we needed to be equally as demented as they are in their playtime activities?"

"Er, not quite. Luna found the entire mishap quite amusing, but afterwards she told me privately that she had some concerns. It seems that the Nargles—"

"Not them again!"

"—THE NARGLES were indicating to her that we needed to have a little bit more adventure in our love lives and she felt she had just the remedy."

"Remember what happened the last time those damned Nargles were involved?"

"Oh, don't be childish, Draco."

"Do you remember?! Because I do. Sometimes I have nightmares and I wake up screaming. You know it's true."

"That's not fair. I hear your nightmares all the time and not once have you mentioned Nargles."

"Well after this, I'm pretty sure it's going to be at the top of my list."

"You haven't even shown me what you've got on, yet."

"That's because you're supposed to go first."

"No, I'm pretty sure we already decided you were going to go first. Stop trying to change things up on me, Malfoy."

"Wait, we decided no such thing!"

"Just go already."

"Despite the fact that you are trying to trick me, I will go first, because I just want to get this over with."

"Well, drop it, then. Oh MERLIN! What is that?! Is that why you mentioned wolves?"

"Stop laughing. I have prepared a speech."

"You've prepared a what?"

"Ahem. If you please. I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I take the words, I scatter them in time and space—I told you to stop laughing. You're just intimidated by how well I pull these off."

"No, Draco, you just look ridiculous in those."

"I am trying to make the best of this situation. You won't even take off your robe."

"Yeah, give me a minute—to catch—my breath."

"I'm hurt. I'm genuinely hurt. After all the compromising I did just to put these on for you, and all you can do is stand there and laugh at me?"

"But—it's looking at me!"

"Of course, it's looking at you! You're the only one here!"

"Why is its nose three-dimensional?!"

"Why do you think? I'm very well endowed."

"I can't breathe."

"Sure. By all means. Just laugh away. I'm going to sit here in my new boxers admiring myself until you can get it together."

"Good idea."

"Drop them, Granger! It's your turn. I'm not waiting. If I have to sit here in the slightly chilly air, then you have to, too."

"Fine. But you'd better brace yourself."

"Whatever you've got on can't be as bad as—What the hell is that?! Put it away!"

"What do you mean what the hell is that? Don't you recognize it? You've got one yourself."

"Why the hell would Luna think you needed one of those?"

"Well…I think it's supposed to be for you."

"Fuck, no. Put it away."

"Really, Malfoy, I don't see why you're upset about it."

"Why is it pointing that way?"

"I'm sure it's meant to be...battle-ready. No one wants a limp one."

"But why is it curved that way? That's just unnatural. No one curves that way."

"What? Just because it's not curved slightly to the left like yours doesn't mean it's unnatural."

"Mine does not curve slightly to the left. And that one curves UP, which is decidedly unnatural."

"Hmm, maybe I need to adjust it a little bit, then. I could probably twist it a little."

"Ugh! Granger! Get your hands off that cock!"

"For Merlin's sake, Malfoy, it's not like you've never seen my hands on a cock before—"

"Stop twisting it!"

"—although I've never had my hands on my own cock before. So this is new."

"Just put it away, already."

"You know what? No. I'm starting to get the hang of this. Get it, hang?"

"You are not funny, Granger."

"You're such a tight-ass, Malfoy. I bet that's why I'm supposed to loosen you up."

"What the fuck? You are not getting anywhere near my ass with that thing."

"Turn around, let me see the back."

"No."

"I just want to check something."

"Absolutely not."

"You're afraid there's a hole there, aren't you?"

"There are no holes anywhere. You are not getting into my knickers. I am a lone wolf. And this lone wolf does not play Beta to anyone's Alpha. And you are not coming near me until you take that thing off."

"Well, I'm kind of enjoying the way it bounces at the moment."

"Ugh. Stop walking like that."

"Like what? Like a well-endowed man?"

"No man walks like that."

"You mean you don't swing from side to side?"

"I already told you that's the most unnatural dick I've ever seen, and no one walks like that."

"Well, Hermione Granger Malfoy With a Dick does."

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm being ridiculous? You're the one with the wolf face staring at me from your crotch."

"What? You're the—I can't even—Just go take it off."

"Hmm. I don't think I'm done, yet. I'm feeling very empowered at the moment."

"Granger?"

"What?"

"Are you wearing anything underneath that obscenity?"

"No. Look, see? I thought we were supposed to be naked."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing, I just like the way your arse looks with those pretty straps across it."

"And the dick hanging in front?"

"No! Merlin, Granger, I can't appreciate my own wife's arse in front of me without you ruining it!"

"What's that sound?"

"What's what?"

"Your wolf is moving."

"Well, looking at your naked arse does tend to do that to me."

"No, it's really—"

ARRROOOOOO!

"Circe's tits!"

"What the fuck? Did your wolf just howl at me?"

"What in the hell?"

"You were getting excited, weren't you?! And your wolf howled at me!"

"I'm taking these damned things off!"

"You were getting excited looking at me in this strappy thing, and your wolf knew, and it howled at me!"

"Granger!"

"What?"

"It's not coming off."

"What do you mean it's not coming off?"

"What the fuck does it normally mean? It's not. Coming. Off."

"Like they're stuck?"

"Try yours."

"You're just trying to trick me into taking off my new dick because you don't like it. Well you can suck my—"

"Fucking Loony, I'm going to kill her."

"Want me to Incendio them?"

"This isn't a joke, Granger. I've got a pair of howling boxers on that won't come off."

"There's probably a catch."

"What? You'd think I'd have noticed when I put it on if there was a catch that I could loosen."

"No, I mean, we probably activated something, and now we have to deactivate it."

"I am literally shuddering to think what Luna would require to deactivate whatever charms have these items stuck to our genitals."

"Oh, it can't be that bad. Since you're largely covered up, it can't be what you'd normally expect. You're sure there's not a hole in the back right?"

"There's no hole! And I would walk my wolf right into St. Mungo's before I let you anywhere near any holes with that strangely perky phallus strapped to your thighs."

"It's probably an orgasm."

"What is? What? What are you talking about?"

"That's the trigger."

"With all my genitals covered, and with you having extra?"

"It would certainly require a little creativity."

"I'm not doing it."

"I think you are."

"No, get off me, Granger. I'm so not in the mood."

"Put your hands on my arse, I bet that will take care of the mood problem."

"I said I'm not doing it."

"If you ever hope to get out of these contraptions, you are!"

"This is non-con, Granger! And your dick is poking up at my nipples."

"Oh, please! This is dub-con at best! And I'd poke it somewhere else if you weren't so weird about it."

"Stop rocking! It's weird to have this ridiculous unnatural cock bouncing between us."

"You want me to rub it or something?"

"No!"

"Well, you should get to rubbing something or we're never going to get anywhere."

"You know what? Fine! I'll fucking give you a fucking orgasm!"

"You're going to drop me!"

"Serves you right. Here. You. Go."

"Mmm…yes…that's quite a bit more like it…Right. There."

ARRRRROOOOOOOOOO!

"Arrooo is right. I'm the fucking Bad Wolf. Even with my fucking dick still inside my fucking shorts."

"I can't—you're—uhhh—keep going!"

ARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Oh Merlin, I can feel it vibrating against me when it howls!"

"Arroo…Fucking…wolf shorts."

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO!

"Draco!"

"Granger!"

"Oh Merlin. I can't—that was amazing."

"Shut up, Granger, I can't talk right now."

"No, seriously, I'm very impressed."

"Can't talk right now."

"I was thinking, though—"

"Stop talking."

"But it's probably important—"

"I can't hear you."

"Malfoy—"

"Ringing in my ears. Howling. Can't hear you."

"Draco."

"Granger."

"That's not even my name, anymore."

"That's what you're interrupting my post orgasmic bliss to tell me?"

"No, I just meant, you could call me Malfoy, too."

"That would just be weird."

"And I do have a dick now. Like a proper Malfoy and all."

"Granger, shut up."

"Draco."

"No, really. Shut up."

"Draco."

"I'm not listening."

"Draco."

"Argh."

"Draco. Don't you think we should take them off right now before it…resets…or something?"

"Before it what?!"

"I was just thinking—"

"Merlin! Get it off, get it off!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm trying. Okay, the strap-on is strap-offed."

"Mine's not coming—oh, wait. Yeah, it's coming off."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Never again, Granger. You tell your Loony friend 'Hell No' next time."

"I told you not to call her that."

"And I told you I was going to have nightmares about Nargles. Damn Nargles."

* * *

 **A/N:** _I'd never participated in a challenge before, and I wasn't going to participate in this one as I didn't particularly like the prompts. But then this whole conversation came to me and I couldn't stop laughing about it, so I wrote it. I'm so glad I won. Real quick, the quote assigned to Draco apparently has something to do with Doctor Who, but I had no idea when I wrote it, I was only told afterwards. I guess we were all supposed to just "know" that Draco was misquoting Doctor Who, and that was supposed to be really funny in some way about him watching a Muggle show. Whatever. So assume I am disclaiming any rights to anything Doctor Who, just in case._

 _This little piece has been archived on H &V for a few months, and I just decided to add it here for the rest of you to enjoy as it's my only other piece that's not MA. And if any of you are wondering about Draco's Bad Day, I'm putting it to the side a little bit as I'm working on my entry for the H&V Prompt Fest. I'm still hoping to update DBD a couple of times before the Prompt Fest (which is due in the middle of February), but I don't know how often._

 _Drop me a review and tell me if this story made you 1) legit Laugh Out Loud, 2) wake up someone with your laughing, 3) spit a beverage out of your mouth, or 4) laugh till your stomach hurt._


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